our road...

God and I had a little talk this morning...actually it was more listening on my part with a lump in my throat. I was driving back from taking hubby to the airport and it was still pitch black outside. {I know...you are impressed I am up before the sun and operating safely a moving vehicle!...I was armed with a cup of coffee!} I was trying to distract myself from worrying about his flight and prayer of his safety. I have come to really dislike flying {or anyone I know flying} and am bothered by the reliance we still have on it since we are living so far from home. As I followed the signs home I was again so amazed that we are living here. I chuckled thinking how this would never have been a chapter I would have thought to write for my life...I was the homebody...I would have never found myself living this far from home. I quickly thanked God for being the author of my life and for sustaining me through these changes and continuing to be faithful when I didn't feel I showed the same consistency to Him especially living in Cleveland.

I began thinking about when we lived in Cleveland and the times He felt so far away. Days that I knew He was there, but I didn't have words to speak. Times that I had questions and "wait" seemed to always be the answer. Moments when I knew in my soul we where exactly where we were supposed to be, but my heart didn't understand. Cleveland was a time and a place like nothing I had ever known. I was just talking with Dallas last night about the seasons in life where God feels so close and then the times where He feels the furthest. I told Dallas that these are times I believe He hasn't left us, but has backed away a bit and is testing and teaching us. That doesn't mean I don't regret those times that He seemed far...but I know that even then He was teaching me and allowing me to search my soul for His guidance.

I switched off the yapping radio hosts who managed to disrupt my thoughts for some tunes so I could have some noise, but still chat with God without the distraction of their random conversation. This song by Caedmon's Call came on...

http://www.mp3lyrics.org/zKN { LEAD OF LOVE... } Looking back at the road so far The journey's left its share of scars Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight Looking back it is clear to me That a man is more than the sum of his deeds And how you make good of this mess I've made Is a profound mystery (Chorus) Looking back you know You had to bring me through All that I was so afraid of Though I questioned the sky now I see why Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view Looking back I see the lead of love Looking back I can finally see How failures bring humility (I'd rather have wisdom and pain) Brings me to my knees (Than be a comfortable old fool) Helps me see my need for thee (Chorus) Looking back you know You had to bring me through All that I was so afraid of Though I questioned the sky now I see why Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view Looking back I see the lead of love

It was singing to my heart and I heard word for word. It was exactly what I was thinking and yet so much more poetic of course than my own rambling of thanks. I have always seen our time in Cleveland as dark in some ways...I feel that hand in hand together we walked through the wilderness. Please don't read wrong...God blessed us immensely in Cleveland... He kept us safe in a place I never felt comfortable... He blessed us with precious friends despite a city surrounded with people unlike us... He showed us how to rely on Him through each other when that was all we had... He placed a blanket of protection over hubby and I both all those months we lived a part last year while he traveled {I still look back and am completely amazed that me... one of four and accustomed to living with commotion...was able to live alone for a month at a time}. He did bless us in so many ways...but I can still feel the pain and ache of walking those rocks barefoot.

By now I was driving through my little town...my most common route. I was passing the post office and looked over...and up in the hills sat a McMansion! It was still pitch black out and the mansion had all these lights shining up it. I was shocked to see it there. I travel this route all the time and have never seen this huge house before. Then it hit me...I never look past the trees. It took darkness for me to see through the trees into the light and onto the house. A lump formed in my throat as I felt God speaking just to me...in His own way in my rambling way of seeing Him in the little things...to me. You see I shouldn't see the darkness as a regret...or time wasted...it has allowed me to see Him even deeper...to look past the weeds and into the light.

I am so thankful for these moments when God whispers and you can feel the wind in your soul!